I give Danny Hill a lot of grief. And I am not saying that he doesn’t bring a lot of this onto himself. It is uncanny the way he knows where very little is in our house, and how horrible he is at looking for things. And he can be a slob. In pretty much every regard we are total opposites. With that comes a lot of frustration and, unfortunately, on my part, lack of grace at times.
But since I can publicly tease him about things, I thought I would take this opportunity to say how grateful I am for him, and what an amazing person he is as well. Even in my lack of patience and grace for Danny, and how we (and life) have both changed over our last 5 years of marriage, never has anyone showed me so much grace and continues to be so patient with me. Even when I can be absolutely horrible, the degree of love Danny shows me is undeserving and never doubting.
When I can step back and strive to look at things from a different perspective, I am overwhelmingly grateful. Like the fact that Danny knows where nothing is. Yes, I have seen this as irritating a lot in the past, but when I was thinking about it the other day, I had a great realization (that I am sure could only be from Jesus). I am home to know where all this stuff is. I am home playing with the kids to know that I saw them at some point in the day shove their favorite race car behind the couch cushion. I am home to know that this week, Levi wants to wear his underwear on the outside of his shorts (don’t get me started), and that baby K stopped eating a certain food this week and that is why she is screaming bloody murder when you are trying to feed it to her. And it is a privilege for me to be aware of the nuances of their day-to-day life. It is a privilege I am awarded of being home most days only because Danny works (sometimes long hours) for our family.
Our house being clean is important to me, and no one can wreck it faster than my family. But there are two things that God has shown me lately in regards to this. First, when Danny is home, he is not stressed or quick to clean. And when he is home alone with the kids, this is definitely not a priority. But, when he is home, our kids never have SO much fun. And never have I received such a bigger blessing than watching him laugh and play with our children. That is so much more important than how clean my floor is. Secondly, when he does help clean, I think about how clearly this is such a good example in servanthood for our kids. Because when they see Danny doing the dishes or vacuuming, it presents a whole new message to them than when they see me doing it. They will see, “Oh, mom isn’t just doing this because she is stressed or being OCD again. Dad is doing this, despite how much he dislikes it, because he loves mom and serves her well.”
There are so many wonderful things about Danny and how much he loves us so wonderfully, and I won’t bore you with all the sappy details, plus I am not an overly sappy person. I just got to thinking about these things because God has taught me a lot about marriage in the last 5 years, and trust me, I have SO much more to learn. And we have so many friends and family members in different stages of this journey of marriage. Some are just getting married, or are newlyweds, some have been married longer with much more wisdom, and some are sadly divorced. I am not preaching to anyone, because like I said, I am constantly needing wisdom in this journey of marriage. And I was told that marriage would be hard. I was warned, prayed for and given great advice. But as with anything, it is so different to just talk about something than to experience it first hand.
Marriage has not been easy. It was once really easy to overlook things that annoyed you, as you had these feelings of being “in love” overwhelm you. And when these feelings go away, and you see the hard day-to-day of sharing life intimately with someone, you can wonder what you are doing wrong. Why is your marriage not so easy and wonderful like everyone else’s? And I know that in these moments, I needed more than anything for someone just to remind me that it is ok to feel this way. Marriage will not always feel easy and peaceful, and it requires a lot of sacrifice and work. And it has sadly taken me too long, in many instances, to allow God to show me things. Like to not only remind me of why I fell in love with Danny, but for all the wonderful new reasons of why I love him more today. Because our life is different, and in a lot of ways harder. We are now responsible for little people who consume our time and energy. Our conversations are had over people screaming and demanding things at the dinner table, or as we all crowd in the bathroom and give baths. But love is also shown in different ways too, to adapt to our ever changing life. Instead of being sad about how things are not the same, I have been encouraged here lately to see the beauty in how things are different. Because in 5 years from now, our lives will look drastically different again, but if I allow him, God will continue to show me the beauty in that, and the vast ways I have to be thankful for so many new, great things.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Change in To-Do Lists
I am that person. I like lists. I usually make 'to-do' lists everyday. I have a problem with not feeling adequate or well if I am not productive. And I used to have some pretty crazy lists that most often included lots of big projects or reorganizing or cleaning. Today one thing on my list was to shower. Which at first I felt ridiculous about putting on lists, but I have found that it is one thing that is important and sometimes seems to take the most amount of energy and/or time that I just don't have.
It took me a while to change my lists, and therefore a while to change my beliefs and feel like a productive member of society. My lists now include dishes, laundry, buying groceries, and cooking dinner just to name a few. Things that I used to take for granted, to not even consider being important enough to put on a list, now seem some days monumental to accomplish with my lack of free time (and energy). And I am learning to become ok with that. Here is why.
Because even with my now lame lists that don't always get accomplished, I do a ton of things everyday that aren't on the list. Today after I woke up, I fixed breakfast for an insatiable child and a child who won't eat anything, and I somehow managed to get them both to eat and be satisfied. I spent 20 minutes combing an afro into perfection and then I wrestled them both to brush their teeth. I did laundry so a strong willed child could wear the exact outfit that he wanted. I found precious toys that were missing and desperately wanted. I washed sippy cups and changed what felt like 20 diapers. I played with cars and trains, built forts and jumped on beds with said children. Approximately every 120 seconds I mitigated fights forming over the not sharing of toys, and attempted to make them share and be kind. I said prayers for more grace (which I needed to do about 70 million more times because of the aforementioned sharing battles). I got them both to lay down for naps, and then repeated everything again for meals and playing. I watched the movie Cars (for the 753 time) with an attempted enthusiasm as if it were my first time to see it. I bathed them, read stories, rocked, snuggled and sang to them, and now I will go to bed and do this all again in a few short hours. And none of these things were on my list, but they were so much more important. And even in the very trying and stressful times, I have so much fun with my babies (who are getting too big).
You see, as far as being productive goes, I don't always feel that way. But sometimes my sweet baby K is crying, and my other sweet baby Levi goes and finds her a toy to make her feel better, and I am reminded that maybe something is working and getting through to them. That hopefully they are learning to share, and love and be kind. And I hope that even when my words and lessons fail, my actions show them how to love others well by serving them, and putting that persons needs above their own. I hope they learn from my actions the importance of taking care of things. And I hope and pray that grace would abound in their lives, as I (struggle) to learn to show more grace to them, to Danny and to myself. And when I think about those things, how much more productive can you get?
It took me a while to change my lists, and therefore a while to change my beliefs and feel like a productive member of society. My lists now include dishes, laundry, buying groceries, and cooking dinner just to name a few. Things that I used to take for granted, to not even consider being important enough to put on a list, now seem some days monumental to accomplish with my lack of free time (and energy). And I am learning to become ok with that. Here is why.
Because even with my now lame lists that don't always get accomplished, I do a ton of things everyday that aren't on the list. Today after I woke up, I fixed breakfast for an insatiable child and a child who won't eat anything, and I somehow managed to get them both to eat and be satisfied. I spent 20 minutes combing an afro into perfection and then I wrestled them both to brush their teeth. I did laundry so a strong willed child could wear the exact outfit that he wanted. I found precious toys that were missing and desperately wanted. I washed sippy cups and changed what felt like 20 diapers. I played with cars and trains, built forts and jumped on beds with said children. Approximately every 120 seconds I mitigated fights forming over the not sharing of toys, and attempted to make them share and be kind. I said prayers for more grace (which I needed to do about 70 million more times because of the aforementioned sharing battles). I got them both to lay down for naps, and then repeated everything again for meals and playing. I watched the movie Cars (for the 753 time) with an attempted enthusiasm as if it were my first time to see it. I bathed them, read stories, rocked, snuggled and sang to them, and now I will go to bed and do this all again in a few short hours. And none of these things were on my list, but they were so much more important. And even in the very trying and stressful times, I have so much fun with my babies (who are getting too big).
You see, as far as being productive goes, I don't always feel that way. But sometimes my sweet baby K is crying, and my other sweet baby Levi goes and finds her a toy to make her feel better, and I am reminded that maybe something is working and getting through to them. That hopefully they are learning to share, and love and be kind. And I hope that even when my words and lessons fail, my actions show them how to love others well by serving them, and putting that persons needs above their own. I hope they learn from my actions the importance of taking care of things. And I hope and pray that grace would abound in their lives, as I (struggle) to learn to show more grace to them, to Danny and to myself. And when I think about those things, how much more productive can you get?
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Where did you get this black baby?
When two very white people walk around with the cutest black baby with a huge afro, people will stop and talk to you who normally would not. I think it's usually because they are nosy, which I can totally appreciate, because I am too. And while a lot of times I want to tell them about how I was shacked up with a black man before I met Danny, I usually tell the truth, because it is a good opportunity to talk about foster care.
So we tell them that we are foster parents, and the same questions always arise. "Will you get to keep her?" To which I try and explain that her mother loves her and is working to get her back, and that we hope the best for her, but if the situation arises where she can't go back home, we would most certainly adopt her. To which then there response always is "Wow, that would be so hard, I don't think I could do that." And I am not faulting anyone for these questions or responses. They were and would be some of my own, I just now have a new perspective being on the other side of it. When people seem to idealize us for being foster parents, I don't know how to respond and it makes me uncomfortable. Do you say "thank you", "I know, we are pretty special people..." or just smile and nod, (which is my most common gesture)? Because the truth is, we are not special, and trust me, if you could spend 10 minutes in our house you would get that.
What I have really been thinking about this week is that God has called us to do a lot of hard things. Off the top of my head, marriage is one of them. Yet when I got engaged, people were very celebratory and excited. No one responded, with "Now, you know marriage is one of the hardest and selfless things you will have to do and have to continually work at, right? Are you sure you want to do this?" Same with having your own biological children. SO hard. I mean, forget about sleep, money or hobbies, this little person dictates your world. But when you announce your pregnancy, no warnings then either. On the flip side of that, I understand that even though these are some of the hardest things you will do, they are also the most blessed and rewarding, and people realize that when weighing the pros and cons, they wouldn't change it or want to scare you out of doing so.
I think the same is true with foster parenting, or at least that is what I hear from people who have been doing it a while. And let me say right upfront that I have VERY little experience with this fostering business. She is our first placement, and we have yet to experience anything traumatic. But I do think that with even my very little experience, God has been showing me that just because something is hard, is not an excuse not to participate. Jesus didn't say that following Him would be easy. The whole "take up your cross and follow Me", and "love and pray for your enemy" don't sound easy. Jesus' and His disciples lives' were no picnic. But I think when we try and look with perspective, we would have it no other way.
All this to say, I think a lot of people are called to love other families and children that are not biologically your own. Not necessarily in your own home, but to some capacity. And that will be very hard and messy, but when I try and maintain the perspective that it has nothing to do with who I am and how qualified I am, but everything to do with who God is and His power, it seems a little less frightening. A little...
And if you every want to talk to people who actually know what they are talking about, and have like 20 kids, all while advocating and equipping people to participate in foster care ministry, you should check them out here. They are the bees knees.
So we tell them that we are foster parents, and the same questions always arise. "Will you get to keep her?" To which I try and explain that her mother loves her and is working to get her back, and that we hope the best for her, but if the situation arises where she can't go back home, we would most certainly adopt her. To which then there response always is "Wow, that would be so hard, I don't think I could do that." And I am not faulting anyone for these questions or responses. They were and would be some of my own, I just now have a new perspective being on the other side of it. When people seem to idealize us for being foster parents, I don't know how to respond and it makes me uncomfortable. Do you say "thank you", "I know, we are pretty special people..." or just smile and nod, (which is my most common gesture)? Because the truth is, we are not special, and trust me, if you could spend 10 minutes in our house you would get that.
What I have really been thinking about this week is that God has called us to do a lot of hard things. Off the top of my head, marriage is one of them. Yet when I got engaged, people were very celebratory and excited. No one responded, with "Now, you know marriage is one of the hardest and selfless things you will have to do and have to continually work at, right? Are you sure you want to do this?" Same with having your own biological children. SO hard. I mean, forget about sleep, money or hobbies, this little person dictates your world. But when you announce your pregnancy, no warnings then either. On the flip side of that, I understand that even though these are some of the hardest things you will do, they are also the most blessed and rewarding, and people realize that when weighing the pros and cons, they wouldn't change it or want to scare you out of doing so.
I think the same is true with foster parenting, or at least that is what I hear from people who have been doing it a while. And let me say right upfront that I have VERY little experience with this fostering business. She is our first placement, and we have yet to experience anything traumatic. But I do think that with even my very little experience, God has been showing me that just because something is hard, is not an excuse not to participate. Jesus didn't say that following Him would be easy. The whole "take up your cross and follow Me", and "love and pray for your enemy" don't sound easy. Jesus' and His disciples lives' were no picnic. But I think when we try and look with perspective, we would have it no other way.
All this to say, I think a lot of people are called to love other families and children that are not biologically your own. Not necessarily in your own home, but to some capacity. And that will be very hard and messy, but when I try and maintain the perspective that it has nothing to do with who I am and how qualified I am, but everything to do with who God is and His power, it seems a little less frightening. A little...
And if you every want to talk to people who actually know what they are talking about, and have like 20 kids, all while advocating and equipping people to participate in foster care ministry, you should check them out here. They are the bees knees.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
A Quick Rant
I have had a lot of thoughts going on in my mind today, and somethings I don't know what to think or write about, but there was something that kinda eerked me today, and so I have a small rant to ensue. If you are looking for something deep or meaningful, this won't be it.
I went to my first MOPS group today. For those of you not in the know (as I was not), this stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. So it is a community full of moms, and they eat breakfast and hangout. I have no problem with the moms, everyone was really nice. Except for the moms there early in the morning with perfect hair and makeup in a designer outfit, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed. I mean, how did they get enough sleep, wake up early enough to shower, primp, and fight with their kids to get them to eat, get dressed, brush their teeth and get in the car on time? But I digress, maybe one day I will be there, but its not looking hopeful folks.
And let me preface one thing before I continue my story. I would consider myself a feminist. I am all for women's rights and believe we can do anything men can do. Some feminist confuse me at times. I think some people now days get their panties in a wad over issues that aren't as relevant because some amazing women in the 70's fought hard for our equality and rights that we enjoy today. Anyways, I am all for women working and staying home. I have worked full time and now part time while being a mom. And I will tell you that even on my hardest days of working, being a mom is the toughest. Its the greatest, but still, so hard. And if you don't understand that, it is because you are a male, or you don't have kids. Now back to my MOPS peeps.
We had to fill out this paper for an exercise they were doing (it's not relevant so I won't go into it). One of the questions was "What is the maximum number of hours you could work a week and still fell like you could adequately take care of your family?". To which I had a legitimate numerical answer. Most of the women at my table were talking amongst themselves while writing, and when they discussed this answer, their responses surprised me. Most of them said, they basically felt like if even if they had to they couldn't work or could only work very minimally. Now let me again reiterate, I love staying at home, and I truly understand, nothing is as hard and demanding as the job of a mother. But come on ladies! If you had to, you could and would rise to the occasion, because you are a mom, and there is nothing stronger than that. Even if you aren't a mom now, look at your own mom and the incredible women in your family. They sacrificed day in and out, and worked around the clock to take care of you and shape you into the awesome person you are today. And no disrespect to the dads. Dads are just as important and great, and now days many dads are having to take on some single parenting responsibilities. But moms can watch the kids and keep the house clean (I have not mastered this, but there are others who put me to shame). They always no where the missing shoes are, who has what practice, what their kids favorite snack is that week, how to make them feel better when they are sick, or what song to sing them to get them to go to sleep. Not to say I have this perfected, because most days I feel like I lose every battle against a 2 year old. But I will tell you that I never knew I could be as strong as I am or do as much as I do until I became a mom.
And I know these lovely ladies at this group today are no exception. If they had to work, they would rise to the occasion, because we are women, we are bad ass, it's what we do. We do whatever we have to to support our families. All this rambling is to say, ladies, don't go around making yourself seem weak or incapable and give us a bad rap. You are strong. And also maybe wear a little less makeup at 8:30 in the morning, just sayin'.
I went to my first MOPS group today. For those of you not in the know (as I was not), this stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. So it is a community full of moms, and they eat breakfast and hangout. I have no problem with the moms, everyone was really nice. Except for the moms there early in the morning with perfect hair and makeup in a designer outfit, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed. I mean, how did they get enough sleep, wake up early enough to shower, primp, and fight with their kids to get them to eat, get dressed, brush their teeth and get in the car on time? But I digress, maybe one day I will be there, but its not looking hopeful folks.
And let me preface one thing before I continue my story. I would consider myself a feminist. I am all for women's rights and believe we can do anything men can do. Some feminist confuse me at times. I think some people now days get their panties in a wad over issues that aren't as relevant because some amazing women in the 70's fought hard for our equality and rights that we enjoy today. Anyways, I am all for women working and staying home. I have worked full time and now part time while being a mom. And I will tell you that even on my hardest days of working, being a mom is the toughest. Its the greatest, but still, so hard. And if you don't understand that, it is because you are a male, or you don't have kids. Now back to my MOPS peeps.
We had to fill out this paper for an exercise they were doing (it's not relevant so I won't go into it). One of the questions was "What is the maximum number of hours you could work a week and still fell like you could adequately take care of your family?". To which I had a legitimate numerical answer. Most of the women at my table were talking amongst themselves while writing, and when they discussed this answer, their responses surprised me. Most of them said, they basically felt like if even if they had to they couldn't work or could only work very minimally. Now let me again reiterate, I love staying at home, and I truly understand, nothing is as hard and demanding as the job of a mother. But come on ladies! If you had to, you could and would rise to the occasion, because you are a mom, and there is nothing stronger than that. Even if you aren't a mom now, look at your own mom and the incredible women in your family. They sacrificed day in and out, and worked around the clock to take care of you and shape you into the awesome person you are today. And no disrespect to the dads. Dads are just as important and great, and now days many dads are having to take on some single parenting responsibilities. But moms can watch the kids and keep the house clean (I have not mastered this, but there are others who put me to shame). They always no where the missing shoes are, who has what practice, what their kids favorite snack is that week, how to make them feel better when they are sick, or what song to sing them to get them to go to sleep. Not to say I have this perfected, because most days I feel like I lose every battle against a 2 year old. But I will tell you that I never knew I could be as strong as I am or do as much as I do until I became a mom.
And I know these lovely ladies at this group today are no exception. If they had to work, they would rise to the occasion, because we are women, we are bad ass, it's what we do. We do whatever we have to to support our families. All this rambling is to say, ladies, don't go around making yourself seem weak or incapable and give us a bad rap. You are strong. And also maybe wear a little less makeup at 8:30 in the morning, just sayin'.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Not my ways
There is a question that I really hate. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Not because I am not a planner. I am a planner and organizer by nature, I love lists and schedules. But my rub with the question is that, if 5 years ago you would have told me I would have a 2 year old and live in Springfield, MO, I would have laughed in your face.
You see, about three years ago I was 21, and still newly married with lots of free time and plans. I had a great job that I loved, and I was enjoying life. Then I clearly remember going through this period where all the life was just sucked out of me. All I wanted to do when I went home was lay on the couch and sleep, because I just couldn't keep my eyes open and my limbs felt so heavy. This was so unlike me. I never took naps, and liked to stay busy. Danny wasn't doing anything wrong, but for some reason it seemed like he was particularly and intentionally trying to annoying me. I was short with him, and he was worried, because he didn't know what was wrong with me either. I didn't know what was wrong, I thought, maybe I was a little depressed, but I thought if I could just get some more sleep, I would have a brighter outlook. Then one day I was sitting at a training class at work, and I felt a sudden wave of nausea. This NEVER happens to me. I have probably only thrown up a total of 5 times in my entire life. And that is when reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I was pregnant. And then the bargaining started. "No, I can't be pregnant, we weren't trying to get pregnant. God, I told you I didn't want to have a kid until I was 25, I am going to be so much wiser and more prepared at 25 (insert reflective chuckle here)." So as soon as we got a lunch break I went to the closest grocery store which was the ghetto HEB. I bought some expensive pregnancy tests. I didn't want to have to try and guess, 'Was that two lines or just one?'. I wanted the word 'pregnant' literally spelled out for me. And I couldn't wait to take these tests. As soon as I checked out I went into their bathroom and peed on a stick. And this is where I found out the miracle of life was happening, in the HEB bathroom.
I was not excited to say the least. I was scared, nervous, and felt super guilty that I was not excited about this baby. I mean, what kind of mother isn't excited about their baby? I went to our small group bible study that night, and for the first time ever we started splitting up in small groups with just a few people to pray at the end. So there was no way I could hide and avoid saying anything. Through some small tears and sobs, I told a few precious girls I was pregnant, and they got an immediate look of excitement, that they then subdued when they realized this was not a happy announcement for me. They were great, and such godly prayer warriors. They knew then what it would take me a while to realize, that God's plans are always greater, and that this was going to be a huge blessing from Him, even if I couldn't see it yet.
And now I am 25 years old with a beautiful, amazing two year old, blue eyed little boy, and our family is about to grow even more, as we are about to complete our foster parent licensing. I feel no more wiser than I did at 21, now I keep thinking, maybe that happens when I turn 30 (hopefully). And you would think I would have learned my lesson. But I still frequently make my own plans and think that God will or should act accordingly. Then God knocks me back where I belong. Things don't go as I thought, and I don't understand why or what God is doing, and about the time I start to plunge head first into a pity party, my little blue eyed boy toddles over to me and says in the sweetest voice "Hold you momma", and I am reminded, "You didn't plan for this either, and now you wouldn't change it for anything in the world".
So this is my continued prayer for myself, and for all these precious people I love, that we would be daily reminded that God's ways are not our ways and His plans are not our plans. But they are infinitely better, even if we can't see it. Even if we can't ever see it this side of heaven.
"Lord I do believe, please help my unbelief".
You see, about three years ago I was 21, and still newly married with lots of free time and plans. I had a great job that I loved, and I was enjoying life. Then I clearly remember going through this period where all the life was just sucked out of me. All I wanted to do when I went home was lay on the couch and sleep, because I just couldn't keep my eyes open and my limbs felt so heavy. This was so unlike me. I never took naps, and liked to stay busy. Danny wasn't doing anything wrong, but for some reason it seemed like he was particularly and intentionally trying to annoying me. I was short with him, and he was worried, because he didn't know what was wrong with me either. I didn't know what was wrong, I thought, maybe I was a little depressed, but I thought if I could just get some more sleep, I would have a brighter outlook. Then one day I was sitting at a training class at work, and I felt a sudden wave of nausea. This NEVER happens to me. I have probably only thrown up a total of 5 times in my entire life. And that is when reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I was pregnant. And then the bargaining started. "No, I can't be pregnant, we weren't trying to get pregnant. God, I told you I didn't want to have a kid until I was 25, I am going to be so much wiser and more prepared at 25 (insert reflective chuckle here)." So as soon as we got a lunch break I went to the closest grocery store which was the ghetto HEB. I bought some expensive pregnancy tests. I didn't want to have to try and guess, 'Was that two lines or just one?'. I wanted the word 'pregnant' literally spelled out for me. And I couldn't wait to take these tests. As soon as I checked out I went into their bathroom and peed on a stick. And this is where I found out the miracle of life was happening, in the HEB bathroom.
I was not excited to say the least. I was scared, nervous, and felt super guilty that I was not excited about this baby. I mean, what kind of mother isn't excited about their baby? I went to our small group bible study that night, and for the first time ever we started splitting up in small groups with just a few people to pray at the end. So there was no way I could hide and avoid saying anything. Through some small tears and sobs, I told a few precious girls I was pregnant, and they got an immediate look of excitement, that they then subdued when they realized this was not a happy announcement for me. They were great, and such godly prayer warriors. They knew then what it would take me a while to realize, that God's plans are always greater, and that this was going to be a huge blessing from Him, even if I couldn't see it yet.
And now I am 25 years old with a beautiful, amazing two year old, blue eyed little boy, and our family is about to grow even more, as we are about to complete our foster parent licensing. I feel no more wiser than I did at 21, now I keep thinking, maybe that happens when I turn 30 (hopefully). And you would think I would have learned my lesson. But I still frequently make my own plans and think that God will or should act accordingly. Then God knocks me back where I belong. Things don't go as I thought, and I don't understand why or what God is doing, and about the time I start to plunge head first into a pity party, my little blue eyed boy toddles over to me and says in the sweetest voice "Hold you momma", and I am reminded, "You didn't plan for this either, and now you wouldn't change it for anything in the world".
So this is my continued prayer for myself, and for all these precious people I love, that we would be daily reminded that God's ways are not our ways and His plans are not our plans. But they are infinitely better, even if we can't see it. Even if we can't ever see it this side of heaven.
"Lord I do believe, please help my unbelief".
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Making Room
This morning I got to talk to my sister-in-law about a book she is done reading and I am working on. We both love the book and are excited about the prospects of it and discussing, what do you do with the information now? If you don't know my sister-in-law Hannah, I will introduce you, because she is the cat's pajamas. Seriously, one of the most godly people I know. So, I will be waiting and praying to see how this looks in her and her families' life. So, are you dying to know what the book is about??? I know you are.
The book is 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess, by Jen Hatmaker. In this book, she takes 7 months, identifies 7 areas of excess, and chooses each month to work against greed, materialism and overindulgence. The areas were food, clothing, spending, media, possessions, waste and stress. You should check it out.
I get really excited after reading things and a couple of different possibilities usually play out:
1. I get so excited that I am overwhelmed with the information and don't know where to start.
2. I dive into trying this in my own life, without enough prayer and guidance and purge things for purging's sake, missing the forest for the trees.
3. Or I sit around, think it's great, talk a lot about it, but there is never any change in my life (which is unfortunately what I can do a lot with scripture).
So I am praying about it. These basic principles of living more simply, making more space and having less stuff in my life are concepts I have been thinking a lot about for the last year or so. I'm not just talking about getting rid of things for the sake of getting rid of them and being self righteous, judging those who have much and are wasteful. If I become that person, please just give me back my stuff, cause I have missed the point entirely. But instead, less of me and my junk, and more of Jesus and His Kingdom.
I have talked to Danny about this too. I expected him to give me a look like "Cherry, not again. I pretty much gave up meat for you, I don't know what else you could torture me with now." But he didn't, because that's how awesome he is. He puts up with a lot from me, and he loves Jesus too.
I am convicted now more than ever to live more _______(you fill in the blank here with what ever hipster word people are calling it now, simply, sustainable, missionally, all of the above) because of Levi and our future kids. My life is no longer about me (not that it ever was), but now I am not responsible just for my own life if I screw this up, but for other young, impressionable minds. I don't want my kids growing up thinking life is all about them and what they can attain. I don't want them thinking money or possessions, or even people, will make them happy. I want them to bless others with the abundance that we/they have been given, and I want them to love Jesus. Like a lot. And the best way kids learn is what their parents model for them. I am extremely aware that I will not be the perfect parent. I already fall short daily. But in spite of my imperfections, I want to decrease so that He may increase.
So you should check out the book for yourself, certainly don't just take my word for it. Pray that we won't screw Levi up, or our future children. Pray that we would be effective here in our community, and in doing so would be teaching others and our children to be effective. Pray for the future kiddos we get, and that we would help them too.
And on a small tangent, pray for our new neighbors. Our previous ghetto, loud, drunk neighbors moved out and we were excited at the possibility of meeting these new people and hoping they are a bit more pleasant. Then enter last night, when a lady was standing in the lawn yelling loud and numerous obscenities at the man inside. Now, I am not judging her for this (who hasn't wanted to stand in the yard and yell obscenities at their significant other from time to time), I am just thinking it might be a rough crowd...
Love and miss you guys. Thanks for reading, praying with us and supporting us.
The book is 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess, by Jen Hatmaker. In this book, she takes 7 months, identifies 7 areas of excess, and chooses each month to work against greed, materialism and overindulgence. The areas were food, clothing, spending, media, possessions, waste and stress. You should check it out.
I get really excited after reading things and a couple of different possibilities usually play out:
1. I get so excited that I am overwhelmed with the information and don't know where to start.
2. I dive into trying this in my own life, without enough prayer and guidance and purge things for purging's sake, missing the forest for the trees.
3. Or I sit around, think it's great, talk a lot about it, but there is never any change in my life (which is unfortunately what I can do a lot with scripture).
So I am praying about it. These basic principles of living more simply, making more space and having less stuff in my life are concepts I have been thinking a lot about for the last year or so. I'm not just talking about getting rid of things for the sake of getting rid of them and being self righteous, judging those who have much and are wasteful. If I become that person, please just give me back my stuff, cause I have missed the point entirely. But instead, less of me and my junk, and more of Jesus and His Kingdom.
I have talked to Danny about this too. I expected him to give me a look like "Cherry, not again. I pretty much gave up meat for you, I don't know what else you could torture me with now." But he didn't, because that's how awesome he is. He puts up with a lot from me, and he loves Jesus too.
I am convicted now more than ever to live more _______(you fill in the blank here with what ever hipster word people are calling it now, simply, sustainable, missionally, all of the above) because of Levi and our future kids. My life is no longer about me (not that it ever was), but now I am not responsible just for my own life if I screw this up, but for other young, impressionable minds. I don't want my kids growing up thinking life is all about them and what they can attain. I don't want them thinking money or possessions, or even people, will make them happy. I want them to bless others with the abundance that we/they have been given, and I want them to love Jesus. Like a lot. And the best way kids learn is what their parents model for them. I am extremely aware that I will not be the perfect parent. I already fall short daily. But in spite of my imperfections, I want to decrease so that He may increase.
So you should check out the book for yourself, certainly don't just take my word for it. Pray that we won't screw Levi up, or our future children. Pray that we would be effective here in our community, and in doing so would be teaching others and our children to be effective. Pray for the future kiddos we get, and that we would help them too.
And on a small tangent, pray for our new neighbors. Our previous ghetto, loud, drunk neighbors moved out and we were excited at the possibility of meeting these new people and hoping they are a bit more pleasant. Then enter last night, when a lady was standing in the lawn yelling loud and numerous obscenities at the man inside. Now, I am not judging her for this (who hasn't wanted to stand in the yard and yell obscenities at their significant other from time to time), I am just thinking it might be a rough crowd...
Love and miss you guys. Thanks for reading, praying with us and supporting us.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Striving to Love
I haven't written in a while. We have been busy, seeing family and friends this summer and it has been wonderful. We are settling into our new house. Trying to start an amazing journey of foster parenting, and still striving to seek and be obedient here in Springfield.
I have been working a lot at the hospital. I like my job, most days... I like a lot of people that I work with. But my job is hard to say the least. We are usually very short staffed, leaving me with a larger patient load, and doing the work that should be divided in two. And the floor I work on is busy, with patients that are a higher acuity. Another thing that makes my floor interesting/hard, we get a lot of crazy people. Some diagnosed by doctors, others self diagnosed by me. Really though, a lot of challenging individuals and families. Some crazy, some just angry for different reasons. Some very needy, physically or emotionally. I can't always blame them. If I was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, I would probably be a little angry too. We all grieve and process things in our own ways.
I see some staff take care of some of the most challenging patients, and they can't handle it. They get angry and frustrated. They are short with the people at best, at worst, rude in return to their rudeness. I am not saying that I look forward to caring for these taxing patients. I hope everyday that I will go in and have a team of lovely people making my shift smooth and quick. But here recently, I have been getting assigned to these difficult people repeatedly. My bosses give me these people and then say "You are so good with them." In my head I smile and think "Little weasel. You just don't want to deal with them". I have had a few people mention to me this past month about how calm I remain, and how I never seem to get frustrated or flustered. Now to me, this is laughable. Because inside I usually feel like a basket case, and one step away from crazy myself. I started thinking on this and thinking, it can only be God in me that allows me to do my job and remain level-headed and poised.
Before you think highly of me at all, know that most of the time, I don't like these people. I am very good at being nice and respectful, and going out of my way to please people, when inside I am judging and disliking them. I am not proud of this. God recently taught me something in the midst of my judgment and pride. I had to take care of this lady who seemed to be doing everything possible to make everyone's life miserable. She liked me, because I was nice to her. I mostly just listened to her, talked a little, and tried to be compassionate. The whole time though, I never doubted this lady was certifiably nuts. I would come home with every ounce of energy sucked out of me. I was short with Danny, because I felt I just couldn't muster up any more kindness. The fourth day in a row I had this lady, it dawned on me after one of our conversations, "I like her, I really do." Somewhere along the course of the past 36 hours, I grew to actually enjoy our conversations, and the compassion I was feeling was no longer forced, but was coming naturally. That got me to thinking back on other people I had been taking care of, and the same was true with them. Again, totally a God thing, because honestly, I am not that nice of a person.
God teaches me a lot in ways that I usually wish were a lot easier. But here lately he has been teaching me to love people, even when its hard, and especially when I don't want to. And it is always so cool when somehow, I manage to get out of the way long enough for Him to move. Don't get me wrong, I have so much further to go, and am constantly taking two steps backwards. I can be short with people, impatient, and totally miss opportunities to connect with people because of my selfishness. But what continually surprises me about God's faithfulness is how he blesses me and gives me joy in these hard lessons. If I am honest everyday, I usually don't want to love people that I feel are hard to love. I feel like I am doing good to love and spend time with people I like naturally. But when I start to build a relationship with these challenging people, people I have deemed as unloveable, God gives me joy, and enjoyment in it.
Knowing that there is joy in loving others doesn't necessarily make this process easier. Most days when this happens, I still feel like I have to muster up every ounce of energy within me to smile and attempt to be kind. But aren't all things that are worth it hard? I know marriage is. Loving Danny is not always easy, and he would certainly say the same thing about me. But when we try, when we really work hard at practicing loving each other even when we don't feel like it, it gets easier, and it is definitely worth it. Raising kids is hard, and I can say that already with just having limited experience. But again, so worth it. All that to say, God is teaching me that loving people is worth it, even though it is incredibly trying. Tomorrow I might forget this, but I pray that I won't. I pray that I will strive hard to remember daily. And I am so thankful that people have loved me and still do, even when I make it wearisome.
I have been working a lot at the hospital. I like my job, most days... I like a lot of people that I work with. But my job is hard to say the least. We are usually very short staffed, leaving me with a larger patient load, and doing the work that should be divided in two. And the floor I work on is busy, with patients that are a higher acuity. Another thing that makes my floor interesting/hard, we get a lot of crazy people. Some diagnosed by doctors, others self diagnosed by me. Really though, a lot of challenging individuals and families. Some crazy, some just angry for different reasons. Some very needy, physically or emotionally. I can't always blame them. If I was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, I would probably be a little angry too. We all grieve and process things in our own ways.
I see some staff take care of some of the most challenging patients, and they can't handle it. They get angry and frustrated. They are short with the people at best, at worst, rude in return to their rudeness. I am not saying that I look forward to caring for these taxing patients. I hope everyday that I will go in and have a team of lovely people making my shift smooth and quick. But here recently, I have been getting assigned to these difficult people repeatedly. My bosses give me these people and then say "You are so good with them." In my head I smile and think "Little weasel. You just don't want to deal with them". I have had a few people mention to me this past month about how calm I remain, and how I never seem to get frustrated or flustered. Now to me, this is laughable. Because inside I usually feel like a basket case, and one step away from crazy myself. I started thinking on this and thinking, it can only be God in me that allows me to do my job and remain level-headed and poised.
Before you think highly of me at all, know that most of the time, I don't like these people. I am very good at being nice and respectful, and going out of my way to please people, when inside I am judging and disliking them. I am not proud of this. God recently taught me something in the midst of my judgment and pride. I had to take care of this lady who seemed to be doing everything possible to make everyone's life miserable. She liked me, because I was nice to her. I mostly just listened to her, talked a little, and tried to be compassionate. The whole time though, I never doubted this lady was certifiably nuts. I would come home with every ounce of energy sucked out of me. I was short with Danny, because I felt I just couldn't muster up any more kindness. The fourth day in a row I had this lady, it dawned on me after one of our conversations, "I like her, I really do." Somewhere along the course of the past 36 hours, I grew to actually enjoy our conversations, and the compassion I was feeling was no longer forced, but was coming naturally. That got me to thinking back on other people I had been taking care of, and the same was true with them. Again, totally a God thing, because honestly, I am not that nice of a person.
God teaches me a lot in ways that I usually wish were a lot easier. But here lately he has been teaching me to love people, even when its hard, and especially when I don't want to. And it is always so cool when somehow, I manage to get out of the way long enough for Him to move. Don't get me wrong, I have so much further to go, and am constantly taking two steps backwards. I can be short with people, impatient, and totally miss opportunities to connect with people because of my selfishness. But what continually surprises me about God's faithfulness is how he blesses me and gives me joy in these hard lessons. If I am honest everyday, I usually don't want to love people that I feel are hard to love. I feel like I am doing good to love and spend time with people I like naturally. But when I start to build a relationship with these challenging people, people I have deemed as unloveable, God gives me joy, and enjoyment in it.
Knowing that there is joy in loving others doesn't necessarily make this process easier. Most days when this happens, I still feel like I have to muster up every ounce of energy within me to smile and attempt to be kind. But aren't all things that are worth it hard? I know marriage is. Loving Danny is not always easy, and he would certainly say the same thing about me. But when we try, when we really work hard at practicing loving each other even when we don't feel like it, it gets easier, and it is definitely worth it. Raising kids is hard, and I can say that already with just having limited experience. But again, so worth it. All that to say, God is teaching me that loving people is worth it, even though it is incredibly trying. Tomorrow I might forget this, but I pray that I won't. I pray that I will strive hard to remember daily. And I am so thankful that people have loved me and still do, even when I make it wearisome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)