I haven't written in a while. We have been busy, seeing family and friends this summer and it has been wonderful. We are settling into our new house. Trying to start an amazing journey of foster parenting, and still striving to seek and be obedient here in Springfield.
I have been working a lot at the hospital. I like my job, most days... I like a lot of people that I work with. But my job is hard to say the least. We are usually very short staffed, leaving me with a larger patient load, and doing the work that should be divided in two. And the floor I work on is busy, with patients that are a higher acuity. Another thing that makes my floor interesting/hard, we get a lot of crazy people. Some diagnosed by doctors, others self diagnosed by me. Really though, a lot of challenging individuals and families. Some crazy, some just angry for different reasons. Some very needy, physically or emotionally. I can't always blame them. If I was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, I would probably be a little angry too. We all grieve and process things in our own ways.
I see some staff take care of some of the most challenging patients, and they can't handle it. They get angry and frustrated. They are short with the people at best, at worst, rude in return to their rudeness. I am not saying that I look forward to caring for these taxing patients. I hope everyday that I will go in and have a team of lovely people making my shift smooth and quick. But here recently, I have been getting assigned to these difficult people repeatedly. My bosses give me these people and then say "You are so good with them." In my head I smile and think "Little weasel. You just don't want to deal with them". I have had a few people mention to me this past month about how calm I remain, and how I never seem to get frustrated or flustered. Now to me, this is laughable. Because inside I usually feel like a basket case, and one step away from crazy myself. I started thinking on this and thinking, it can only be God in me that allows me to do my job and remain level-headed and poised.
Before you think highly of me at all, know that most of the time, I don't like these people. I am very good at being nice and respectful, and going out of my way to please people, when inside I am judging and disliking them. I am not proud of this. God recently taught me something in the midst of my judgment and pride. I had to take care of this lady who seemed to be doing everything possible to make everyone's life miserable. She liked me, because I was nice to her. I mostly just listened to her, talked a little, and tried to be compassionate. The whole time though, I never doubted this lady was certifiably nuts. I would come home with every ounce of energy sucked out of me. I was short with Danny, because I felt I just couldn't muster up any more kindness. The fourth day in a row I had this lady, it dawned on me after one of our conversations, "I like her, I really do." Somewhere along the course of the past 36 hours, I grew to actually enjoy our conversations, and the compassion I was feeling was no longer forced, but was coming naturally. That got me to thinking back on other people I had been taking care of, and the same was true with them. Again, totally a God thing, because honestly, I am not that nice of a person.
God teaches me a lot in ways that I usually wish were a lot easier. But here lately he has been teaching me to love people, even when its hard, and especially when I don't want to. And it is always so cool when somehow, I manage to get out of the way long enough for Him to move. Don't get me wrong, I have so much further to go, and am constantly taking two steps backwards. I can be short with people, impatient, and totally miss opportunities to connect with people because of my selfishness. But what continually surprises me about God's faithfulness is how he blesses me and gives me joy in these hard lessons. If I am honest everyday, I usually don't want to love people that I feel are hard to love. I feel like I am doing good to love and spend time with people I like naturally. But when I start to build a relationship with these challenging people, people I have deemed as unloveable, God gives me joy, and enjoyment in it.
Knowing that there is joy in loving others doesn't necessarily make this process easier. Most days when this happens, I still feel like I have to muster up every ounce of energy within me to smile and attempt to be kind. But aren't all things that are worth it hard? I know marriage is. Loving Danny is not always easy, and he would certainly say the same thing about me. But when we try, when we really work hard at practicing loving each other even when we don't feel like it, it gets easier, and it is definitely worth it. Raising kids is hard, and I can say that already with just having limited experience. But again, so worth it. All that to say, God is teaching me that loving people is worth it, even though it is incredibly trying. Tomorrow I might forget this, but I pray that I won't. I pray that I will strive hard to remember daily. And I am so thankful that people have loved me and still do, even when I make it wearisome.
No comments:
Post a Comment