There is a question that I really hate. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Not because I am not a planner. I am a planner and organizer by nature, I love lists and schedules. But my rub with the question is that, if 5 years ago you would have told me I would have a 2 year old and live in Springfield, MO, I would have laughed in your face.
You see, about three years ago I was 21, and still newly married with lots of free time and plans. I had a great job that I loved, and I was enjoying life. Then I clearly remember going through this period where all the life was just sucked out of me. All I wanted to do when I went home was lay on the couch and sleep, because I just couldn't keep my eyes open and my limbs felt so heavy. This was so unlike me. I never took naps, and liked to stay busy. Danny wasn't doing anything wrong, but for some reason it seemed like he was particularly and intentionally trying to annoying me. I was short with him, and he was worried, because he didn't know what was wrong with me either. I didn't know what was wrong, I thought, maybe I was a little depressed, but I thought if I could just get some more sleep, I would have a brighter outlook. Then one day I was sitting at a training class at work, and I felt a sudden wave of nausea. This NEVER happens to me. I have probably only thrown up a total of 5 times in my entire life. And that is when reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I was pregnant. And then the bargaining started. "No, I can't be pregnant, we weren't trying to get pregnant. God, I told you I didn't want to have a kid until I was 25, I am going to be so much wiser and more prepared at 25 (insert reflective chuckle here)." So as soon as we got a lunch break I went to the closest grocery store which was the ghetto HEB. I bought some expensive pregnancy tests. I didn't want to have to try and guess, 'Was that two lines or just one?'. I wanted the word 'pregnant' literally spelled out for me. And I couldn't wait to take these tests. As soon as I checked out I went into their bathroom and peed on a stick. And this is where I found out the miracle of life was happening, in the HEB bathroom.
I was not excited to say the least. I was scared, nervous, and felt super guilty that I was not excited about this baby. I mean, what kind of mother isn't excited about their baby? I went to our small group bible study that night, and for the first time ever we started splitting up in small groups with just a few people to pray at the end. So there was no way I could hide and avoid saying anything. Through some small tears and sobs, I told a few precious girls I was pregnant, and they got an immediate look of excitement, that they then subdued when they realized this was not a happy announcement for me. They were great, and such godly prayer warriors. They knew then what it would take me a while to realize, that God's plans are always greater, and that this was going to be a huge blessing from Him, even if I couldn't see it yet.
And now I am 25 years old with a beautiful, amazing two year old, blue eyed little boy, and our family is about to grow even more, as we are about to complete our foster parent licensing. I feel no more wiser than I did at 21, now I keep thinking, maybe that happens when I turn 30 (hopefully). And you would think I would have learned my lesson. But I still frequently make my own plans and think that God will or should act accordingly. Then God knocks me back where I belong. Things don't go as I thought, and I don't understand why or what God is doing, and about the time I start to plunge head first into a pity party, my little blue eyed boy toddles over to me and says in the sweetest voice "Hold you momma", and I am reminded, "You didn't plan for this either, and now you wouldn't change it for anything in the world".
So this is my continued prayer for myself, and for all these precious people I love, that we would be daily reminded that God's ways are not our ways and His plans are not our plans. But they are infinitely better, even if we can't see it. Even if we can't ever see it this side of heaven.
"Lord I do believe, please help my unbelief".
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