I give Danny Hill a lot of grief. And I am not saying that he doesn’t bring a lot of this onto himself. It is uncanny the way he knows where very little is in our house, and how horrible he is at looking for things. And he can be a slob. In pretty much every regard we are total opposites. With that comes a lot of frustration and, unfortunately, on my part, lack of grace at times.
But since I can publicly tease him about things, I thought I would take this opportunity to say how grateful I am for him, and what an amazing person he is as well. Even in my lack of patience and grace for Danny, and how we (and life) have both changed over our last 5 years of marriage, never has anyone showed me so much grace and continues to be so patient with me. Even when I can be absolutely horrible, the degree of love Danny shows me is undeserving and never doubting.
When I can step back and strive to look at things from a different perspective, I am overwhelmingly grateful. Like the fact that Danny knows where nothing is. Yes, I have seen this as irritating a lot in the past, but when I was thinking about it the other day, I had a great realization (that I am sure could only be from Jesus). I am home to know where all this stuff is. I am home playing with the kids to know that I saw them at some point in the day shove their favorite race car behind the couch cushion. I am home to know that this week, Levi wants to wear his underwear on the outside of his shorts (don’t get me started), and that baby K stopped eating a certain food this week and that is why she is screaming bloody murder when you are trying to feed it to her. And it is a privilege for me to be aware of the nuances of their day-to-day life. It is a privilege I am awarded of being home most days only because Danny works (sometimes long hours) for our family.
Our house being clean is important to me, and no one can wreck it faster than my family. But there are two things that God has shown me lately in regards to this. First, when Danny is home, he is not stressed or quick to clean. And when he is home alone with the kids, this is definitely not a priority. But, when he is home, our kids never have SO much fun. And never have I received such a bigger blessing than watching him laugh and play with our children. That is so much more important than how clean my floor is. Secondly, when he does help clean, I think about how clearly this is such a good example in servanthood for our kids. Because when they see Danny doing the dishes or vacuuming, it presents a whole new message to them than when they see me doing it. They will see, “Oh, mom isn’t just doing this because she is stressed or being OCD again. Dad is doing this, despite how much he dislikes it, because he loves mom and serves her well.”
There are so many wonderful things about Danny and how much he loves us so wonderfully, and I won’t bore you with all the sappy details, plus I am not an overly sappy person. I just got to thinking about these things because God has taught me a lot about marriage in the last 5 years, and trust me, I have SO much more to learn. And we have so many friends and family members in different stages of this journey of marriage. Some are just getting married, or are newlyweds, some have been married longer with much more wisdom, and some are sadly divorced. I am not preaching to anyone, because like I said, I am constantly needing wisdom in this journey of marriage. And I was told that marriage would be hard. I was warned, prayed for and given great advice. But as with anything, it is so different to just talk about something than to experience it first hand.
Marriage has not been easy. It was once really easy to overlook things that annoyed you, as you had these feelings of being “in love” overwhelm you. And when these feelings go away, and you see the hard day-to-day of sharing life intimately with someone, you can wonder what you are doing wrong. Why is your marriage not so easy and wonderful like everyone else’s? And I know that in these moments, I needed more than anything for someone just to remind me that it is ok to feel this way. Marriage will not always feel easy and peaceful, and it requires a lot of sacrifice and work. And it has sadly taken me too long, in many instances, to allow God to show me things. Like to not only remind me of why I fell in love with Danny, but for all the wonderful new reasons of why I love him more today. Because our life is different, and in a lot of ways harder. We are now responsible for little people who consume our time and energy. Our conversations are had over people screaming and demanding things at the dinner table, or as we all crowd in the bathroom and give baths. But love is also shown in different ways too, to adapt to our ever changing life. Instead of being sad about how things are not the same, I have been encouraged here lately to see the beauty in how things are different. Because in 5 years from now, our lives will look drastically different again, but if I allow him, God will continue to show me the beauty in that, and the vast ways I have to be thankful for so many new, great things.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Change in To-Do Lists
I am that person. I like lists. I usually make 'to-do' lists everyday. I have a problem with not feeling adequate or well if I am not productive. And I used to have some pretty crazy lists that most often included lots of big projects or reorganizing or cleaning. Today one thing on my list was to shower. Which at first I felt ridiculous about putting on lists, but I have found that it is one thing that is important and sometimes seems to take the most amount of energy and/or time that I just don't have.
It took me a while to change my lists, and therefore a while to change my beliefs and feel like a productive member of society. My lists now include dishes, laundry, buying groceries, and cooking dinner just to name a few. Things that I used to take for granted, to not even consider being important enough to put on a list, now seem some days monumental to accomplish with my lack of free time (and energy). And I am learning to become ok with that. Here is why.
Because even with my now lame lists that don't always get accomplished, I do a ton of things everyday that aren't on the list. Today after I woke up, I fixed breakfast for an insatiable child and a child who won't eat anything, and I somehow managed to get them both to eat and be satisfied. I spent 20 minutes combing an afro into perfection and then I wrestled them both to brush their teeth. I did laundry so a strong willed child could wear the exact outfit that he wanted. I found precious toys that were missing and desperately wanted. I washed sippy cups and changed what felt like 20 diapers. I played with cars and trains, built forts and jumped on beds with said children. Approximately every 120 seconds I mitigated fights forming over the not sharing of toys, and attempted to make them share and be kind. I said prayers for more grace (which I needed to do about 70 million more times because of the aforementioned sharing battles). I got them both to lay down for naps, and then repeated everything again for meals and playing. I watched the movie Cars (for the 753 time) with an attempted enthusiasm as if it were my first time to see it. I bathed them, read stories, rocked, snuggled and sang to them, and now I will go to bed and do this all again in a few short hours. And none of these things were on my list, but they were so much more important. And even in the very trying and stressful times, I have so much fun with my babies (who are getting too big).
You see, as far as being productive goes, I don't always feel that way. But sometimes my sweet baby K is crying, and my other sweet baby Levi goes and finds her a toy to make her feel better, and I am reminded that maybe something is working and getting through to them. That hopefully they are learning to share, and love and be kind. And I hope that even when my words and lessons fail, my actions show them how to love others well by serving them, and putting that persons needs above their own. I hope they learn from my actions the importance of taking care of things. And I hope and pray that grace would abound in their lives, as I (struggle) to learn to show more grace to them, to Danny and to myself. And when I think about those things, how much more productive can you get?
It took me a while to change my lists, and therefore a while to change my beliefs and feel like a productive member of society. My lists now include dishes, laundry, buying groceries, and cooking dinner just to name a few. Things that I used to take for granted, to not even consider being important enough to put on a list, now seem some days monumental to accomplish with my lack of free time (and energy). And I am learning to become ok with that. Here is why.
Because even with my now lame lists that don't always get accomplished, I do a ton of things everyday that aren't on the list. Today after I woke up, I fixed breakfast for an insatiable child and a child who won't eat anything, and I somehow managed to get them both to eat and be satisfied. I spent 20 minutes combing an afro into perfection and then I wrestled them both to brush their teeth. I did laundry so a strong willed child could wear the exact outfit that he wanted. I found precious toys that were missing and desperately wanted. I washed sippy cups and changed what felt like 20 diapers. I played with cars and trains, built forts and jumped on beds with said children. Approximately every 120 seconds I mitigated fights forming over the not sharing of toys, and attempted to make them share and be kind. I said prayers for more grace (which I needed to do about 70 million more times because of the aforementioned sharing battles). I got them both to lay down for naps, and then repeated everything again for meals and playing. I watched the movie Cars (for the 753 time) with an attempted enthusiasm as if it were my first time to see it. I bathed them, read stories, rocked, snuggled and sang to them, and now I will go to bed and do this all again in a few short hours. And none of these things were on my list, but they were so much more important. And even in the very trying and stressful times, I have so much fun with my babies (who are getting too big).
You see, as far as being productive goes, I don't always feel that way. But sometimes my sweet baby K is crying, and my other sweet baby Levi goes and finds her a toy to make her feel better, and I am reminded that maybe something is working and getting through to them. That hopefully they are learning to share, and love and be kind. And I hope that even when my words and lessons fail, my actions show them how to love others well by serving them, and putting that persons needs above their own. I hope they learn from my actions the importance of taking care of things. And I hope and pray that grace would abound in their lives, as I (struggle) to learn to show more grace to them, to Danny and to myself. And when I think about those things, how much more productive can you get?
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Where did you get this black baby?
When two very white people walk around with the cutest black baby with a huge afro, people will stop and talk to you who normally would not. I think it's usually because they are nosy, which I can totally appreciate, because I am too. And while a lot of times I want to tell them about how I was shacked up with a black man before I met Danny, I usually tell the truth, because it is a good opportunity to talk about foster care.
So we tell them that we are foster parents, and the same questions always arise. "Will you get to keep her?" To which I try and explain that her mother loves her and is working to get her back, and that we hope the best for her, but if the situation arises where she can't go back home, we would most certainly adopt her. To which then there response always is "Wow, that would be so hard, I don't think I could do that." And I am not faulting anyone for these questions or responses. They were and would be some of my own, I just now have a new perspective being on the other side of it. When people seem to idealize us for being foster parents, I don't know how to respond and it makes me uncomfortable. Do you say "thank you", "I know, we are pretty special people..." or just smile and nod, (which is my most common gesture)? Because the truth is, we are not special, and trust me, if you could spend 10 minutes in our house you would get that.
What I have really been thinking about this week is that God has called us to do a lot of hard things. Off the top of my head, marriage is one of them. Yet when I got engaged, people were very celebratory and excited. No one responded, with "Now, you know marriage is one of the hardest and selfless things you will have to do and have to continually work at, right? Are you sure you want to do this?" Same with having your own biological children. SO hard. I mean, forget about sleep, money or hobbies, this little person dictates your world. But when you announce your pregnancy, no warnings then either. On the flip side of that, I understand that even though these are some of the hardest things you will do, they are also the most blessed and rewarding, and people realize that when weighing the pros and cons, they wouldn't change it or want to scare you out of doing so.
I think the same is true with foster parenting, or at least that is what I hear from people who have been doing it a while. And let me say right upfront that I have VERY little experience with this fostering business. She is our first placement, and we have yet to experience anything traumatic. But I do think that with even my very little experience, God has been showing me that just because something is hard, is not an excuse not to participate. Jesus didn't say that following Him would be easy. The whole "take up your cross and follow Me", and "love and pray for your enemy" don't sound easy. Jesus' and His disciples lives' were no picnic. But I think when we try and look with perspective, we would have it no other way.
All this to say, I think a lot of people are called to love other families and children that are not biologically your own. Not necessarily in your own home, but to some capacity. And that will be very hard and messy, but when I try and maintain the perspective that it has nothing to do with who I am and how qualified I am, but everything to do with who God is and His power, it seems a little less frightening. A little...
And if you every want to talk to people who actually know what they are talking about, and have like 20 kids, all while advocating and equipping people to participate in foster care ministry, you should check them out here. They are the bees knees.
So we tell them that we are foster parents, and the same questions always arise. "Will you get to keep her?" To which I try and explain that her mother loves her and is working to get her back, and that we hope the best for her, but if the situation arises where she can't go back home, we would most certainly adopt her. To which then there response always is "Wow, that would be so hard, I don't think I could do that." And I am not faulting anyone for these questions or responses. They were and would be some of my own, I just now have a new perspective being on the other side of it. When people seem to idealize us for being foster parents, I don't know how to respond and it makes me uncomfortable. Do you say "thank you", "I know, we are pretty special people..." or just smile and nod, (which is my most common gesture)? Because the truth is, we are not special, and trust me, if you could spend 10 minutes in our house you would get that.
What I have really been thinking about this week is that God has called us to do a lot of hard things. Off the top of my head, marriage is one of them. Yet when I got engaged, people were very celebratory and excited. No one responded, with "Now, you know marriage is one of the hardest and selfless things you will have to do and have to continually work at, right? Are you sure you want to do this?" Same with having your own biological children. SO hard. I mean, forget about sleep, money or hobbies, this little person dictates your world. But when you announce your pregnancy, no warnings then either. On the flip side of that, I understand that even though these are some of the hardest things you will do, they are also the most blessed and rewarding, and people realize that when weighing the pros and cons, they wouldn't change it or want to scare you out of doing so.
I think the same is true with foster parenting, or at least that is what I hear from people who have been doing it a while. And let me say right upfront that I have VERY little experience with this fostering business. She is our first placement, and we have yet to experience anything traumatic. But I do think that with even my very little experience, God has been showing me that just because something is hard, is not an excuse not to participate. Jesus didn't say that following Him would be easy. The whole "take up your cross and follow Me", and "love and pray for your enemy" don't sound easy. Jesus' and His disciples lives' were no picnic. But I think when we try and look with perspective, we would have it no other way.
All this to say, I think a lot of people are called to love other families and children that are not biologically your own. Not necessarily in your own home, but to some capacity. And that will be very hard and messy, but when I try and maintain the perspective that it has nothing to do with who I am and how qualified I am, but everything to do with who God is and His power, it seems a little less frightening. A little...
And if you every want to talk to people who actually know what they are talking about, and have like 20 kids, all while advocating and equipping people to participate in foster care ministry, you should check them out here. They are the bees knees.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
A Quick Rant
I have had a lot of thoughts going on in my mind today, and somethings I don't know what to think or write about, but there was something that kinda eerked me today, and so I have a small rant to ensue. If you are looking for something deep or meaningful, this won't be it.
I went to my first MOPS group today. For those of you not in the know (as I was not), this stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. So it is a community full of moms, and they eat breakfast and hangout. I have no problem with the moms, everyone was really nice. Except for the moms there early in the morning with perfect hair and makeup in a designer outfit, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed. I mean, how did they get enough sleep, wake up early enough to shower, primp, and fight with their kids to get them to eat, get dressed, brush their teeth and get in the car on time? But I digress, maybe one day I will be there, but its not looking hopeful folks.
And let me preface one thing before I continue my story. I would consider myself a feminist. I am all for women's rights and believe we can do anything men can do. Some feminist confuse me at times. I think some people now days get their panties in a wad over issues that aren't as relevant because some amazing women in the 70's fought hard for our equality and rights that we enjoy today. Anyways, I am all for women working and staying home. I have worked full time and now part time while being a mom. And I will tell you that even on my hardest days of working, being a mom is the toughest. Its the greatest, but still, so hard. And if you don't understand that, it is because you are a male, or you don't have kids. Now back to my MOPS peeps.
We had to fill out this paper for an exercise they were doing (it's not relevant so I won't go into it). One of the questions was "What is the maximum number of hours you could work a week and still fell like you could adequately take care of your family?". To which I had a legitimate numerical answer. Most of the women at my table were talking amongst themselves while writing, and when they discussed this answer, their responses surprised me. Most of them said, they basically felt like if even if they had to they couldn't work or could only work very minimally. Now let me again reiterate, I love staying at home, and I truly understand, nothing is as hard and demanding as the job of a mother. But come on ladies! If you had to, you could and would rise to the occasion, because you are a mom, and there is nothing stronger than that. Even if you aren't a mom now, look at your own mom and the incredible women in your family. They sacrificed day in and out, and worked around the clock to take care of you and shape you into the awesome person you are today. And no disrespect to the dads. Dads are just as important and great, and now days many dads are having to take on some single parenting responsibilities. But moms can watch the kids and keep the house clean (I have not mastered this, but there are others who put me to shame). They always no where the missing shoes are, who has what practice, what their kids favorite snack is that week, how to make them feel better when they are sick, or what song to sing them to get them to go to sleep. Not to say I have this perfected, because most days I feel like I lose every battle against a 2 year old. But I will tell you that I never knew I could be as strong as I am or do as much as I do until I became a mom.
And I know these lovely ladies at this group today are no exception. If they had to work, they would rise to the occasion, because we are women, we are bad ass, it's what we do. We do whatever we have to to support our families. All this rambling is to say, ladies, don't go around making yourself seem weak or incapable and give us a bad rap. You are strong. And also maybe wear a little less makeup at 8:30 in the morning, just sayin'.
I went to my first MOPS group today. For those of you not in the know (as I was not), this stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. So it is a community full of moms, and they eat breakfast and hangout. I have no problem with the moms, everyone was really nice. Except for the moms there early in the morning with perfect hair and makeup in a designer outfit, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed. I mean, how did they get enough sleep, wake up early enough to shower, primp, and fight with their kids to get them to eat, get dressed, brush their teeth and get in the car on time? But I digress, maybe one day I will be there, but its not looking hopeful folks.
And let me preface one thing before I continue my story. I would consider myself a feminist. I am all for women's rights and believe we can do anything men can do. Some feminist confuse me at times. I think some people now days get their panties in a wad over issues that aren't as relevant because some amazing women in the 70's fought hard for our equality and rights that we enjoy today. Anyways, I am all for women working and staying home. I have worked full time and now part time while being a mom. And I will tell you that even on my hardest days of working, being a mom is the toughest. Its the greatest, but still, so hard. And if you don't understand that, it is because you are a male, or you don't have kids. Now back to my MOPS peeps.
We had to fill out this paper for an exercise they were doing (it's not relevant so I won't go into it). One of the questions was "What is the maximum number of hours you could work a week and still fell like you could adequately take care of your family?". To which I had a legitimate numerical answer. Most of the women at my table were talking amongst themselves while writing, and when they discussed this answer, their responses surprised me. Most of them said, they basically felt like if even if they had to they couldn't work or could only work very minimally. Now let me again reiterate, I love staying at home, and I truly understand, nothing is as hard and demanding as the job of a mother. But come on ladies! If you had to, you could and would rise to the occasion, because you are a mom, and there is nothing stronger than that. Even if you aren't a mom now, look at your own mom and the incredible women in your family. They sacrificed day in and out, and worked around the clock to take care of you and shape you into the awesome person you are today. And no disrespect to the dads. Dads are just as important and great, and now days many dads are having to take on some single parenting responsibilities. But moms can watch the kids and keep the house clean (I have not mastered this, but there are others who put me to shame). They always no where the missing shoes are, who has what practice, what their kids favorite snack is that week, how to make them feel better when they are sick, or what song to sing them to get them to go to sleep. Not to say I have this perfected, because most days I feel like I lose every battle against a 2 year old. But I will tell you that I never knew I could be as strong as I am or do as much as I do until I became a mom.
And I know these lovely ladies at this group today are no exception. If they had to work, they would rise to the occasion, because we are women, we are bad ass, it's what we do. We do whatever we have to to support our families. All this rambling is to say, ladies, don't go around making yourself seem weak or incapable and give us a bad rap. You are strong. And also maybe wear a little less makeup at 8:30 in the morning, just sayin'.
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